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I personally…I feel uncomfortable around conflict.
我個人…很不喜歡衝突。
Now we’re here today to find out how to argue.
我們今天要來探討怎麼跟別人爭論。
But conflict is useful. The question is how you deal with conflict most effectively.
但衝突是有用的。問題在於你怎麼最有效地處理衝突。
Meet Dan Shapiro, Head of Harvard’s International Negotiation Program
問問哈佛大學國際談判協會負責人 Dan Shapiro
Here we go. I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts.
我們開始吧。我是《化不可能的談判為可能：如何解決你最情緒化的衝突》的作者。
How to Resolve Difficult Conflicts
如何突破衝突困境
Have you found yourself in an argument that felt so frustrating, so at the core, aggravating…
你有沒有曾經陷入超無力、本質上還超討人厭的爭吵情況…
That’s the silliest opinion I have ever heard.
那是我聽過最愚蠢的言論。
…it felt just nonnegotiable?
…讓你覺得真的無法溝通？
Congratulations! You’re a human being! We all experience conflict in our lives. And seeing what’s going on in our world today, my hunch is you were probably having at least one of these conflicts about politics. Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap. Anything that the other side says, I shall not believe, I shall not give any credibility to, and I’m gonna do everything I can to prove I’m right, you’re wrong, and to stifle you down, to raise me up. The problem is not with the What—what are we arguing about; the problem is with the How…
恭喜你！你是正常人類！大家都有吵架的經驗。而看看現在世界上發生的大小事，我敢說，你的這些爭吵內容中，一定至少有一個跟政治有關。我認為美國已經陷入了黨派鬥爭。只要是另一派人說的話，我都不該相信、不該承認，我會用盡全力去證明我是對的，你是錯的，把你貶低到死，以提高自己。但重點不在「什麼」－－爭論的點是什麼；而是在「如何」…
How should we argue?
我們該如何爭論？
How can we be more effective? And what I’ve found is that there are three big barriers that we can actually overcome to have more effective conversations. The big things: one, identity, two, appreciation, and three, affiliation. Let’s start with identity.
怎樣才會更有效率？我發現只要能克服這三大障礙，就能實現更有效的溝通。這三個障礙就是：一、自我認同，二、重視，以及三、關聯性。我們先從自我認同講起。
Insight No.1: Identity
障礙一：自我認同
Now, first of all, this is a hot issue.
首先，這是大家都在討論的議題。
Why do we get so emotional in these conflict situations? It often goes back to something deeper: identity. What are the core values, the core beliefs, that are feeling threatened inside of you as you’re having that conversation with the other side? The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts, all of a sudden, your emotions become a hundred times more powerful. Boy, this is a wholly different conflict now; it’s now your pride. Your sense of self is on the line.
為什麼我們在爭論時會變得這麼情緒化？這通常跟一個更深層的東西有關：自我認同。當你在跟另一方對話時，你內心中被威脅的核心價值和信仰是什麼？一旦你的認同感跟這些爭論有掛鉤，情緒就會瞬間膨脹一百倍。老天，這時爭論的主題就完全不一樣了；變成是在維護自尊。你的世界觀面臨崩塌。
So, what can we do?
那我們可以怎麼做？
You need to know who you are and what you stand for. What are the values and beliefs that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue? The more you understand who you are,
the more you can try to get your purpose met and stay balanced, even when the other threatens those core values and beliefs.
你必須認識自己，以及知道自己的立場在哪。在這個議題上，我的什麼價值觀和信仰促使我選邊站？你越了解自己，就越能達成你的目的和站穩腳步，即使他人威脅到你的核心思想和信仰。
Insight No.2: Appreciation
障礙二：重視
Each side wants to feel appreciated, and that the last thing they wanna do is to appreciate the other side—that’s a problem.
雙方都想被重視，然而他們壓根不願意去正視對方－－這就是問題所在。
So, what can we do?
那我們可以怎麼做？
Listen and understand. When you’re in the midst of the conflict, don’t talk. Take the first ten minutes. Consciously listen to the other side. What’s the value behind their perspective? What’s the logic, the rationale? Why do they hold this perspective on immigration or healthcare? Once you truly understand and see the value in their perspective, let them know, I hear where you’re coming from. And you know what? That makes sense. There is nothing more in the world that we like than to feel appreciated. Recognize your power to appreciate them.
傾聽並理解。當你跟別人發生衝突時，先別說話。靜下心來十分鐘。認真傾聽對方。他們觀點背後的價值觀是什麼？邏輯在哪、理由為何？為什麼他們對移民和醫療保健有這樣的想法？一旦你充分釐清他們觀點背後的價值觀，讓對方知道，我聽懂你想表達的點是什麼。你知道嗎？我覺得有道理。世界上沒有人不喜歡被重視。你得認清你有理解他人的能力在。
Insight No.3: Affiliation
障礙三：關聯性
Third, affiliation. What’s the emotional connection like between you and the other side? We typically approach these conflict situations as me versus you: my opinion on healthcare versus yours, my party’s perspectives on immigration versus yours. That’s just gonna leave the two of you like rams butting heads.
第三點，關聯性。你跟對方的情感連結是什麼？我們通常會將衝突化作我跟你兩方：我跟你對醫療保健的看法、我們黨跟你們黨對於移民的看法。這只會讓雙方吵得不可開交。
So, what can we do?
那我們可以怎麼做？
Find common ground.
找到共同點。
Turn that other person from an adversary into a partner, so it’s no longer me versus you, but the two of us facing the same shared problem. Ask the other person, “Look, what’s your advice on how we can get as many of our interests met at the same time?" Change the nature of your conversation.
化敵為友，變得不再是我跟你，而是我們一起面對這個共同的問題。詢問對方：「你覺得我們該怎麼做才能讓彼此的利益最大化？」去改變你對話的本質。
Now, you put these three things into practice, it can transform your relationships. Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution, but a positive revolution of greater understanding, greater appreciation, greater affiliation, how we could transform politics, how we could transform our country and ultimately, our world. I believe it’s possible, but it starts with each one of us.
練習去跨越這三個障礙，將能大幅改變你的人際關係。想像一下，假如我們能開啟一個革命，好的那種革命，讓雙方更加了解自己、重視彼此、有更善意的連結，政治將會怎麼轉變，我們的國家、最後甚至是全世界將怎麼轉變。我相信這是有可能的，但必須從你我開始。
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